Playing the Reason

"Too numb to be sad, I can't even lie

My heart is a drum, all its playing is, why

The echo is loud, I'm vacant inside

I'm out of my body, I gaze in my eyes

I look like a zombie, say my goodbyes

It's killing my highs, I'm asking my God

To heal me I'm not asking for much

I just wanna say: how long will it be 'till you take it away?"

—Trip Lee, “Longer”

Most of the time, we could never predict life. Life is, at best, a blade of grass in a hurricane. We find comfort in chaos (whether we want to admit it or not), but desire the peace of knowing our next move. On any random day, I have no clue as to what my next move is. I circle around my own inner thoughts only to find disaster in my decisions.

It is kind of like that old riddle. The one about being stuck in a box with another box and the key to getting out is stuck 

On the opposite end of the spectrum there are those days that seem to fall in line. Sometimes life is just as predictable as the clock striking twelve twice a day. Sometimes, I find myself doubting my own ability to discern reality from my own idealistic version of my days.

Those with chronic illness understand that having that routine is crucial to our own existence and strive to achieve some sense of routine. It is the solid truth of what we are in a world of modular construct. Sometimes this routine is a poor attempt at finding the sustained truth of normalcy.

Enter, the reason for you.

Have you ever had an opportunity come along, but instead of taking it, you played the reason card? You threw the reason out simply because you were sick of holding onto that reason. You feel liberated and balanced again. You feel like the world will start spinning again. Life, in this aspect, is like a game of cards. We constantly find life revolving back to us time and time again.

We just played our hand and rid ourselves of the reason that envelopes our total self being. 

However, before you know it, it is your turn again.

This time you are ready. You have been thinking of your next move and you are well prepared to face even the toughest player out there. You look down at your hand only to see the reason card is there again. Out of quiet desperation you throw the reason card out again. You start to look nervous as a world of thoughts flood the empty corridors of your mind, where already forgotten memories of strategy have been evacuated. You tell yourself that it is OK and you confidently adjust your position in the chair.

You wait for your turn, as you start to stare down your opponents. This time it is all about proving yourself to yourself. It is finally your turn. You look down...the reason card has found it’s way back into your hand again.

You get rid of it.

It comes back.

You get rid of it.

It comes back.

This happens over and over in your life and it seems that the game will go forever. The problem is that you desperately, no ferociously want to play, but every time it is your turn, you find the reason card in your hand again.

By now, you don’t want the reason, but you have grown to accepting it for what it is. You find yourself almost enjoying the comfort of knowing that the reason card will always have a home in your hand. You begin to rely on it and actually pray that it continues. However, something strange has begun.

Your reason card is becoming greater than the position it once held in your life. It is starting to look more like family and beginning to find it's way into your everyday life. It is connected in a new way and you are prisoner to it's will.

Your reason card has transformed into an excuse.

Our lives with chronic pain or illness is full of these reason cards. "I am sorry, but I cannot go out to dinner. My illness is acting up." We live a life that is dictated by our inability to control our circumstances.

People that suffer from chronic illnesses or mental health disorders understand a fundamental truth. We suffer from these situations, but the illnesses do not define us. Sometimes, we hold onto these reasons why not. However, we mostly desperately desire to free ourselves of this dilemma.

Sometimes we are so numb to our own afflictions, that we fail to see how tight we hold onto those reasons and excuses. We cry out “how long!” Depression is one of the biggest side effects of chronic illness. Some studies show that one third of those affected by a chronic illness are dealing with depression.

We cannot dismiss clinical, chronic depression as just a side effect. It is a real, oppressive, consuming issue. It is not a “just smile” disorder and a  good run will not cure it. We must face it head on and treat it with the utmost care. We must fight for those that cannot. 

However, there are those with self inflicted down-hearted feelings. This is the group I am referring to. Many cannot fight depression, but there are those that can.

Constantly, I am plagued with this sense of depressed life. I fall into the shallows of my own rising tide that will soon drown me in my own self doubt. In the song “Drowning” by the artist KB, he sings a hook that resonates with my soul.

“Tell me, can you catch me, I'm fallin'Tryna make my way to the shore, but I'm callin' outI'mma be gone by the mornin'I can feel the end comin' nowDon't let me drown, throw the raftBefore I drown pull me up nowBefore I drown, pull me upBefore I drown(Can You save me now?)'Fore I drownSave me from me”

Can you save me from me? My hope is that my greatest enemy would be destroyed by the grace of a truth as simple as a whisper. My greatest enemy is me. My greatest strength is my Lord. I find grace where I lose myself. Seek His face and you will be given the strength to battle the giants in your life.

For those that can change their situations. I impart this simple truth.

If you don’t like your situation, change it before it changes you.