Mended

“Safety pin me to your chest so I can stay put

Please don't leave me in this mess cause I am this close to unraveling, unraveling”

— The Autumn Film, “Mended”

Most days I am filled with a bit of apathetic joy. I know, that doesn’t make sense. However, I am confident that I can explain. Sometimes we are tearing at the seams and our lives are so complicated, that we forget to enjoy the moment. I am apathetic to most things and complacent to my life, but that doesn’t mean a death sentence. 

I live with apathy, but I find joy in my apathy. I understand that today is another day not promised and that my future is uncertain. My joy is from the Lord and my strength is from my support system. However, that doesn't mean that I don't need help. On the contrary, I am only who I am, sometimes, because those around me make up my view of reality. Sometimes, I need those around me to hold me up until I can stand on my ow

When you live with depression, if left to your own devices, you cannot find reason in anything around you. You cannot lean on yourself and rely on what your thoughts tell you. Sometimes, you are so close to unraveling, that you are moments away from death. However, most of the time, I am just blank when it comes to having an emotional response to anything.

Living apathetic is not ideal, but it can be comforting if you accept that it is temporary. A recent episode of Doctor Who had a profound moment for me. A flashback of one of the characters revealed that she was running away. She couldn’t live in the moment that was capturing her every thought. She decided to run. A police officer made her a bet. She said that if in 3 years, the “moment” had not passed, she would give the character fifty pounds. If it was just that, a moment, then the character owed her fifty pence. Of course, it was just a moment and it passed.

The point is this; life is a series of moments and it is up to us how we weave our clumsy lives through them. Sometimes, the world is crashing and all we want to do is run away. Sometimes the sun is shining and we want to bask in those warming rays. However, when the world around looks like a greyscale Salvador Dali painting, it is hard to react either way. It is difficult to see that life is full of color in either situation. 

Apathy is nothing more than a reaction to a moment. Don’t get me wrong, there are those that genuinely live with conditions that prevent them from seeing the good in their surroundings. This is not referring to those cases. This is a brief look at life so darkened by those thoughts, that you lose the ability to even care.

Most days, I am just trying to get by. I live with so little energy, that my days are filled with racing to accomplish a single task before I cannot move any more. On top of this, I have a plethora of doctors that all agree on one thing, they don’t know what is wrong with me. This combination of treatment after treatment and specialist after specialist has led me to medical fatigue. I no longer care about treatment and my daily response to “how are you feeling,” is that “it’s getting better everyday.” This little white lie is, sometimes, all I have. It is the sanity that keeps me going. 

I have learned that accepting this doesn't mean that I have to give up. On the contrary, it simply means that I have to be willing to reach out to those around me. I have to lean on those that love and support me. I have to reach out and hope that those will pin me to their chest so I am wrapped in the arms of those I love. That way, when I unravel, I am supported.

Most of our lives, we are conditioned to not share our feelings. I struggle with this daily. Letting my guard down is so difficult. It prevents me from reaching out. I even struggle reaching out to those closest to me. Compile that with chronic conditions that leave you feeling crushed or make you feel less than you are and you begin to see the spiral.

Sometimes it is that simple pinning to a chest of someone that loves you, that keeps you grounded. It is a small act of others letting you know that you are loved and you are worth the fight. My wife recently posted to Facebook this simple message.

“Love is a choice, people.

Culture says that love is the warm, fuzzy feelings and the butterflies in your stomach. But that's not love; that's a byproduct.

Love is choosing to be committed no matter how hard or how inconvenient. Love is doctor visits, cooking a meal after a long day, and kissing him despite his beard.

Love is holding a sick kid in the chair all night, speaking with kindness when I'm beyond frustrated, and making school lunches at 9pm.

To any of you who don't have the "warm fuzzy" feelings right now: that's okay. That's not love. Love is the decision to remain committed DESPITE the circumstance.

I'm so thankful that God chooses to love US despite our shortcomings. He is patient with us. He is always there to listen. He carries us. He comforts us through the Holy Spirit. He teaches us. He guides us.

On this Valentine's Day, may you be reminded of God's real, perfect, unconditional love for YOU.

This is the love of someone you want pinning you to their chest. Find those that make you feel loved and help you through those tough times. Seek those that lift you up and never just blow smoke. Get rid of those that make you feel less than you are or that do not treat you with the respect you deserve. Life is too short to live in a cycle of abuse or ridicule

Apathy is only a response to a situation. Finding those that love you is a choice made to eliminate the apathy.