Lost and Found
“Am I lost or found? Or am I just here, waiting around
Until someone comes and tells me it’s okay to move?
And I’ll take another step toward you.”
—The Collection, “You Taste Like Wine”
This post is hard to write. I have rarely shared these emotions and even less often explored them. My wife knows the most, but really knows very little. My inner most thoughts are on display here.
Most days I find myself trying to relate to humanity. I see wonderful things happening all around me and I desperately seek to connect. These days haunt my nights and bring me to the realization that I am neither here nor there. Most days I am waiting around.
My son asked me the other day when i was going to get better so I could play with him. Nevermind the crushing blow this is and the stark reality of my fault in meing the father I should be. Nevermind the crushing hopes a child has to simply play with his father. Nevermind the oppressive observation of not being able to bond with my child in his formative years. All of these things, horrible as they are. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
My inability to feel any of these emotions.
One of the symptoms of my illness is to experience life in a little bit different way. Unfortunately, I did not know that this was even a symptom until recently. I simply thought I was a sociopath (insert creepy giggle). All seriousness, I just thought that I didn’t have the capacity to harbour these emotions within me. I thought that I just lacked the ability to feel. Empathy is a hard thing for me to understand. Caring about others is a chore and helping anyone is a duty.
This sounds harsh, and it is; however, it is not a despairing end to my life. It is a revelation to the insanity that is caused by my disease. I suffer from a persistent bacterial Lyme infection that has a party in just about every area of my physical being. This leaves me at a crossroads. Do I even know my capacity for life’s emotions?
In the 1990’s Jaroslav Flegr started his lengthy research into why he was acting out of character. He found that the parasite Toxoplasma gondii (T. gondii for short) was the cause of his erratic behavior. This is a, now known, common parasite transmitted from cats to humans and can alter the brain’s chemistry. Since this discover, scientist have found that other parasites and bacteria can cause similar complications.
Recent studies in depersonalization disorder have found that there is not a known cause or treatment. I am not a doctor, but I do wonder about the connection.
I see now that I have these symptoms and I know that I have a bacterial infection with the possibility of have a parasite infection (Babesia). I just do not know enough to definitively put it together. All I know is that I have to deal with an invisible symptom of an unrecognized illness with unconventional medicine.
I look at my family and know that I should have certain feelings, so I have been able to mimic these emotions. I have learned the art of mime (with words) to appease those that I love most. In what universe is this ok? I cannot remember ever sitting down and thinking, gee, I should learn how to trick everyone in my life with an ability to lie.
There are days that I do feel things. I do have clarity and have that small taste of truth in my life. I cherish the moments of joy that comes from remembering the love I have for my wife and boys. The longing I have to be with friends and family. The simple desire to enjoy every morsel of life around me.
When I was young, I wanted to drink life and get drunk on every emotion. Every moment. Every thought. I wanted to be everything. After my illness took hold i lost all desire to try. I felt like I was trapped in a black hole with no escape. My existence was slowly being wipe from the earth.
I have fought for most of my adult life to exit this slumbered way of living. My lack of feeling is a part of this fight. Some days it grips so tightly around my inner being that I lose connection to my day. I find it difficult to breathe and lack the understanding of how I missed a whole day.
Depersonalization takes away any concept of reality and time. It strips you of the natural ability to process any emotion. I have learned to deal with it and I cherish those days that I am motivated. My wife will notice the good days and usually mention how “mentally here” I am.
I am getting better and I am seeing more and more glimmers of truth. I do seek to understand this debilitating symptom and strive to help others. I stand in this room full of people and feel alone, yet my job is to seek out those that feel alone and make sure that they do not.
This is a call out to those dealing with this illness. Seek connections. Find courage. Love anyways. You are not waiting to be found. You are wonderfully and beautifully created and grace is always there to hold you.
The Atlantic, How Your Cat Is Making You Crazy, KATHLEEN MCAULIFFE, MARCH 2012 ISSUE, https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/03/how-your-cat-is-making-you-crazy/308873/
